Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I confess...

This morning was a terrible, no good, very bad morning. Shepherd, in all his teething glory, awoke at the ungodly hour of 4:30 am. He refused to be consoled back to bed, and though he was tired, insisted on playing with his toys. I sat there, annoyed, and watched him play as Forrest got ready for work. Shepherd would get excited about a toy and start squeeling, and screaming, something he's started doing in the last two days (mind you, he screamed and squeeled before, but only when something was wrong). I lost it. I yelled NO! at him, and he just looked at me, and then turned around and screamed at his toy some more. Forrest walked in, and asked me what that all was about, and I just sat there... fuming. You see, it wasn't that Shepherd was being obnoxious. What it really was, was that lately, Shepherd has shown more joy in seeing Forrest. This morning was no exception. If I sat and played with him, he'd just ignore me. If Daddy did, whoa! watch out, because he was all grins and giggles. I guess I got jealous, and that started seething underneath. And when Shepherd started screaming, I just lost it.

I felt so bad afterwards. Even though it hadn't seemed to have registered with Shepherd, I felt horrible. Later, after Forrest had left for work, I was sitting there, and Shepherd was still fussy. The squeels of joy were turning into screams of terror at the pain of his teeth. I took him back to his room, and rocked him. As he snuggled into my chest, arms curled up underneath him, legs wrapped around my waist, I realized that all he wanted was to be held. Putting him back in his crib would only make him cry again. And when I realized this, I began to cry. I felt so awful that I had yelled at him. I just sat there, rocking him, and wanted to hold him forever, because in that moment, I felt important. I wasn't just the woman who takes care of his dirty diapers, and feeds him, I was mommy, and that was important. I held him so long, that finally, I got up, and went and laid down on the guest bed in Shepherd's room with Shepherd, and we snuggled in, him silently sleeping. I sat there stroking his beautiful hair, touching his soft cheeks, and tried to understand how just moments before, I wanted nothing to do with him. I drifted off to sleep, and we slept for 2 hours there, snuggled up together. And in the end, I felt needed and important. I was mommy... and that's all I needed.

4 comments:

Beth Fish said...

Sorry you had a hard morning, I'm sure there will be more to come. Mia is the same way - adores Chris and ignores me half the time, but then there are the times when it is Mommy or nothing and I know she really does love me too.

Kristin said...

We've had similar situations over here too. It's been interesting to me to see the differences in each parental relationship. Logan likes to play & have fun with his Dad, but loves to snuggle & cuddle with his Mom.

Anonymous said...

I have so felt like that...don't feel guilty or bad at all ~ I think it's a totally normal thing to feel. Sometimes, even though I love him more than anything in the whole world, I just want my son to go away for a while. I feel awful about it when he's lovey to me later. Other times I get jealous because he wants to go to my hubby or my mom. Being a mommy is such a hard job ~ I think the emotional roller coaster is just part of the ride. :)

You're a great mommy...especially because you have those feelings. The best of us do!

Clan Mussellam said...

Sorry you had a challenging morning. It is refreshing to see honesty in a blog. There are times as parents when we will be cranky, snappy and just plain lose it. Those are the things we the adults remember. I like to think that the children will remember all the fun, love, cuddles, kisses, and all the other wonderful things we do because we love them not the odd time we lose it!

xo
one frazzled mommy