This morning was a terrible, no good, very bad morning. Shepherd, in all his teething glory, awoke at the ungodly hour of 4:30 am. He refused to be consoled back to bed, and though he was tired, insisted on playing with his toys. I sat there, annoyed, and watched him play as Forrest got ready for work. Shepherd would get excited about a toy and start squeeling, and screaming, something he's started doing in the last two days (mind you, he screamed and squeeled before, but only when something was wrong). I lost it. I yelled NO! at him, and he just looked at me, and then turned around and screamed at his toy some more. Forrest walked in, and asked me what that all was about, and I just sat there... fuming. You see, it wasn't that Shepherd was being obnoxious. What it really was, was that lately, Shepherd has shown more joy in seeing Forrest. This morning was no exception. If I sat and played with him, he'd just ignore me. If Daddy did, whoa! watch out, because he was all grins and giggles. I guess I got jealous, and that started seething underneath. And when Shepherd started screaming, I just lost it.
I felt so bad afterwards. Even though it hadn't seemed to have registered with Shepherd, I felt horrible. Later, after Forrest had left for work, I was sitting there, and Shepherd was still fussy. The squeels of joy were turning into screams of terror at the pain of his teeth. I took him back to his room, and rocked him. As he snuggled into my chest, arms curled up underneath him, legs wrapped around my waist, I realized that all he wanted was to be held. Putting him back in his crib would only make him cry again. And when I realized this, I began to cry. I felt so awful that I had yelled at him. I just sat there, rocking him, and wanted to hold him forever, because in that moment, I felt important. I wasn't just the woman who takes care of his dirty diapers, and feeds him, I was mommy, and that was important. I held him so long, that finally, I got up, and went and laid down on the guest bed in Shepherd's room with Shepherd, and we snuggled in, him silently sleeping. I sat there stroking his beautiful hair, touching his soft cheeks, and tried to understand how just moments before, I wanted nothing to do with him. I drifted off to sleep, and we slept for 2 hours there, snuggled up together. And in the end, I felt needed and important. I was mommy... and that's all I needed.