Today, you turn 4 months old. I cannot believe that you are that old. It seems like only yesterday that we were finding out we were pregnant with you, but last I checked, it was one year ago yesterday that we found out. We were at your great-grandfather's house celebrating Fathers Day, when mommy took a test in the bathroom of their house, not expecting to see much of anything. The test came back positive, with two pink lines on it, and I ran to get your father to tell him. We were both excited and terrified at the same time. We told all of your grandparents, who were more than excited to get the news. A year later, you're here, and growing so big!
We went to the doctor yesterday for your 4 month checkup. You weighed 15 pounds and 4 ounces. You have officially doubled your birth weight. You also have grown tall! You are now 25 and a 1/4 inches tall. You've grown 5 inches long! As the doctor was checking you out, I tried to visualize in my minds eye what 5 inches was, and how small you once were, and I was amazed. The doctor was very impressed with you. She said you were a very happy baby and a very active little booger. In her words, you're going to get very dangerous very soon. You see, you are already sitting up by holding yourself up like a tripod. You're already rolling front to back and back to front. And, you push yourself up on your knees when you are on your stomach, face planting yourself across the room. Some of these skills are 5-6 month skills, and the doctor said she was happy to see you progressing so rapidly! She said that daddy and mommy were right to start you on rice cereal because you need those extra calories! You burn them off so fast with all of your activity.
The hardest part was the shots that you had to get. It was a little easier watching you get the shots this time, but it still hurt me to see you cry. You calmed down very fast, and then promptly took a nap. When we got home, you woke up from your nap and were very grumpy. I picked you up and you started wailing. I looked at your little legs, and they were red and swollen from the pain of the shots. So I gave you some tylenol, and held you while you screamed. You cried like that for a long time, until you finally cried yourself to sleep. I held you while you slept, and just marveled at how much you've changed. You are beautiful... I know boys (and even men) hate that being said about them.... they want to be HANDSOME! which, you are! But you are also a very beautiful child. After a while, I put you down in your crib, and finished some chores around the house. I was interrupted by you waking up screaming... and I rushed in to swoop you up. As soon as you were in my arms, you calmed down, and just curled up and let me hold you. It was then I realized that you haven't let me hold you like that in a while. Normally, you're so eager to be down rolling, or in the excersaucer playing. So I held you, and we rocked. We just sat there staring at each other for the longest time. I know you probably will never remember that, but I will. I will always remember how wonderful it is to be held captive by your eyes. When you look at me, I know you love me, and you love me despite everything I don't love about myself. Your love isn't conditional, and I'm amazed by that.
This morning, we woke up, and I looked at you while you slept between daddy and me. Your cheeks were flushed from the slight fever from the shots, and I realized how incapable I am of loving you to the fullest. It is only with God's help that any of us love a child. I know that love exists beyond my heart, because I feel it. I feel the overflow of love from my heart into my soul and beyond me, and I'm certain that it's like that because God helps us. God loves us, therefore we love others. God loves you, my son. Just like he loves every single person in this world (yes, even the bad people)... he loves you. I hope one day, you'll understand that. I hope that one day, you'll know what it's like to hold a tiny baby in your arms, and realize that the love you have for that child isn't just yours.. but the pouring out of God's love through us.
I love you, Shepherd, with all of my heart...
Happy Four Month Birthday!!