Thursday, March 09, 2006

Names I've Called my Son...

Enough with the sentimental entries. I know there are those of you out there who enjoy the sentimental entries and enjoy a good cry, but they make my life out to be a whole lot nicer than it really is. They make ME out to be a whole lot nicer than I really am.

You see, I love my son tremendously, and I meant every word I wrote in my last entry. However, it is quite possible that I have called him the "Spawn of Satan" in the last 24 hours. And it's quite possible that I had to put him down in his crib screaming, and walk away because I was to the point where throwing him at the wall seemed like a good solution (trust me, I would never do this, I was just incredibly frustrated). I have woken up to him crying, only to roll my eyes, and sulk into his room to feed him at 2 am, then while feeding him, contemplate why I am breastfeeding in the first place, and not using formula. Because, DADGUM, this is hard work! Yes, I love my son, and yes, I'd never hurt him... and of course! I want the best for him. But life isn't always happy and easy. Sleep deprivation is hard. Breastfeeding is hard. Trying to soothe a screaming infant is hard, especially when you've done everything you can do. I guess it's the love I have for Shepherd that keeps me going. If it weren't for that, I feel as though there are times I'd just simply throw my hands up in the air and give up. But I'm glad I don't. Because walking in his room this morning, and picking him up, I smelled his hair, and all of that love floods back in. No, it doesn't make it easier. But, I guess it makes it worth it. (there's that sentimental crap again!!)

So veteran parents... tell me, Have you dealt with this? Does it get easier? Or are there just new things that frustrate you?

7 comments:

Cindy said...

Reading this entry made me travel back in time to over 4 years ago. I went through the same thing with my son. Things do get easier. Remember, ask for help when you need it.

Kristin said...

Holy freakin crap, Corrine. I know exactly how you feel, every last word of it!

I have felt the frustration of breast feeding at 2 am & the sleep deprivation, trying to console a crying infant & feeling like throwing him across the room & I'm adding profuse swearing at him & Bill (especially Bill when he told me that Logan was hungry an hour after I fed him) & also screaming at the top of MY lungs.

I cried on Tuesday as I was typing my post wondering if he already hates me & I've screwed it all up. I was crying today as we were sitting on the couch feeding him because of the intense love I felt.

The last few days have been a bit easier & it seems like things have just "clicked". I think I just instantly adjusted to things overnight. Who knows. But I don't feel like I did within the last 3 weeks.

Hang in there & know that you're not alone!

Autumn's Mom said...

I wish there had been blogs back in my baby days (11 years ago). You are doing great! It's not any easier with a kid on the bottle. You still have to stumble in at 2 AM but instead of instant gratification, you have to go to the kitchen and heat up a bottle while baby is screaming in your ear. We all get the crazy thoughts. Hang in there. He's so darn cute!!

Avorie said...

Oh... Sounds awful!

Erika said...

Thanks for being honest!!!!

Liza said...

I'm right there with you. Especially now that I can't even eat the food I like. Frustration!!!

Thanks, Autumn's Mom, for pointing out that formula isn't necessarily easier. I'd begun fantasizing about it....

Matthew said...

I vividly remember my wife throwing down the breast pump apparatus in frustration at 3:00 a.m. because we had screaming babies and her boobs hurt like hell (they weren't breastfeeding well at the time).

I have felt the frustration when you can't calm a crying baby and you start thinking about a dose of Tylenol would do wonders.

Hang in there!

Also, lactation consultants are worth their weight in gold if you're having troubles in that area.