I've been struggling with writing lately. Besides my entry on Uncle Jim, I've felt almost robotic in what I've written. I've wondered what was going on, and until a few minutes ago, I still had nothing. Then, something happened that opened my eyes. I had just finished feeding Shepherd, and had put him in the swing so I could throw a load of laundry in. At first he was content to swing, but then he began crying. I was in the middle of loading the washer, so, I let him cry a minute (I know, I'm a bad mother, don't tell me how awful it is that I et my son cry)/ When I was done, I went over to the swing to pick him up, because he was approaching screaming level. And when I picked him up, he stopped crying immediately. He buried his face into my chest, and sighed deeply. I held him, thinking it was gas and he had to burp... or that he was sleepy and wanted to sleep. But I looked down a minute later, and he was wide eyed, with his sweet chheks pressed against my chest. With that, it was as if a dam of emotion broke within me, and I realized that my son just wanted to be close to his mommy. To be held, to be hugged, and to be told how much he's loved. And in that moment, I loved him deeper than I've ever loved before. Yes, I love my husband deeply, and nothing compares to that love, but this love is different. I realized how much my son needs me... not just for physical nourishment, but for emotional nourishment... for love. As I look down on him sleeping on my chest right now, my heart swells beyond anything I ever imagined it could. I realized also that before now, the reason it's been so hard to write about Shepherd is because it is SO HARD to put into words all of the feelings that you feel... the love, the joy, the frustration, the doubts, the fears... because there are so many, and they are so complex that putting them down in words is nearly impossible. In fact, it is impossible. Maybe one day, I'll come close to describing it... but I doubt it. Until then, I know what's in my heart... and I feel it so strongly that it hurts.
Shepherd, please know that I love you deeply