Last night, Forrest and I were finished watching Boston Legal, and sitting on the couch talking. He was trying to convince me to stay up for Jimmy Kimmel Live, and said, "After next month we can't do that!! We don't have a child to feed right now, or diapers to change... c'mon!!"
I had a sudden vision of me sitting in that exact spot on the couch, in the middle of the night, feeding my son. And the thought suddenly terrified me. I'm not ready to become a mother. I'm immature, I'm selfish, and I have so many things that I need to work through before having a child. I'm terrified that I'm going to screw my son's life up by not being a good mother. And cue the tears. How have I missed this? Everyone always asks are you excited?! nervous?! and my answer has always been, I'm excited! I can't wait! And now? There is this feeling of utter terror that surrounds my childs birth. Will I be a good mother? Am I stable enough to raise a son? How will we provide for our son when we can barely make it on our own? Anything and everything that could possibly go wrong went through my head. I had to calm myself down, wipe the tears dry, and tell myself that everyone goes through this (right?!).
No one is perfect. I have to accept that I am far from perfect, and yes, I may screw something up in my sons life, but I will try my hardest to be the best mother I can be. I know that I'm totally unprepared for what's about to happen... the life-change that occurs with the birth of my son. I've tried everything to brace myself, tried to read up on other people's blogs to get some sort of comfort, tried everything but let go. Letting go has to be the hardest part of this. I have to trust that what I've learned in life up until now has prepared me for this journey. I have to trust that what it hasn't prepared me for, I'll be able to learn. I have to trust that God will help me in my weakest moments. I have to trust that no matter what happens, my son will grow up to be his own person, free to make his own decisions, free to choose his own path in life. I have to trust that I have what it takes to be the best mother I can be. I simply have to let go... and trust.
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10 comments:
Let Go and Let God, Sister. It's gonna be alright. I promise :D
I've been a lurker on your blog for about a month...I know exactly how you feel. I felt that way when I found out that our planned pregnancy worked. I've learned that if you trust yourself, everything will work out.
Kristin
Yes, and reading all these blogs of women who are right on the cusp of labor is FREAKING ME OUT TOO!! (but good for you for still being awake at the end of Boston Legal)...how did we come this far in our pregnancies without supervision??
You will be FINE! you'll get it worked out as you go along! (of course, having a baby increases my TV time - having to feed him every 3 hours will do that!!
I am so happy to have gone on this long long journey with you! It's totally that time for us to start freakin' out!! All I know is that I already love my child soooo much and yes, we are going to make a ton of mistakes, but as long as we always love our children they will be fine. It's cool that we got a dog before we become parents because it's already taught us so much and I feel confident that everything will be okay now. I also feel confident that you will be a great mom, because at least you are questioning things. To not question usually spells disaster.
Almost there...
I can't tell you how many times I've had the "What am I going to do with a baby" cry! I know exactly how you feel. Everyone assures me that you don't have to know everything right now and you'll learn as you go. For now, all you really have to do is feed the baby, keep him clean, and give him lots of love.
Reesh said what I was thinking as I read your post...it's a great sign that you're questioning yourself because that shows how much you care about your son. If you were writing things like,"Oh, I know exactly what I'm doing and how I'll treat every situation," then I'd worry! You already sound like you're a great mom! And you can take comfort in knowing you're not alone with how you feel...we're all feeling the same thing :)
The good news is that the baby has never done this before, either. We almost froze our daughter to death the first night home from the hospital...turned off the heater and jumped in our cozy bed like we always did...didn't think that she was there with almost no baby fat and very light blankets. Luckily she cried and we woke up and realized what losers we were, and it all turned out OK. Wish I could say that was the last big(ish) mistake we made...we've made plenty. And our kid is fine. Almost 10 years old now. You'll do fine...just remember to breathe during labor. And they won't let you leave the hospital until you deliver that kid, damn them. I wanted to go home so badly...
Right after reading your blog, I came across this on Celebrity Babys:
Amanda Holden terrified of impending birth
English actress Amanda Holden has spoken about the birth of her first child saying she is "terrified" of becoming a mother. Amanda and fiance Chris Hughes' baby is due in a few weeks.
She reveals, "People keep saying, 'Are you excited about it?', but that's the wrong word because I am, but it's kind of a terror, too. Motherhood is a life-changing thing… There will be somebody in your life who will be completely reliant on you." And while previously she was all excited about having a baby now she is more than a little nervous, "Now I'm pregnant, I'm like, 'No, I don't want to be brave!' I want to be on a bed with a big needle in my back. I don't want to feel anything."
So...you're not alone, sister!
I know what you mean. But I guess we just have to jump in and try to be the best Mom's we can be.
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