Last night, Forrest and I were finished watching Boston Legal, and sitting on the couch talking. He was trying to convince me to stay up for Jimmy Kimmel Live, and said, "After next month we can't do that!! We don't have a child to feed right now, or diapers to change... c'mon!!"
I had a sudden vision of me sitting in that exact spot on the couch, in the middle of the night, feeding my son. And the thought suddenly terrified me. I'm not ready to become a mother. I'm immature, I'm selfish, and I have so many things that I need to work through before having a child. I'm terrified that I'm going to screw my son's life up by not being a good mother. And cue the tears. How have I missed this? Everyone always asks are you excited?! nervous?! and my answer has always been, I'm excited! I can't wait! And now? There is this feeling of utter terror that surrounds my childs birth. Will I be a good mother? Am I stable enough to raise a son? How will we provide for our son when we can barely make it on our own? Anything and everything that could possibly go wrong went through my head. I had to calm myself down, wipe the tears dry, and tell myself that everyone goes through this (right?!).
No one is perfect. I have to accept that I am far from perfect, and yes, I may screw something up in my sons life, but I will try my hardest to be the best mother I can be. I know that I'm totally unprepared for what's about to happen... the life-change that occurs with the birth of my son. I've tried everything to brace myself, tried to read up on other people's blogs to get some sort of comfort, tried everything but let go. Letting go has to be the hardest part of this. I have to trust that what I've learned in life up until now has prepared me for this journey. I have to trust that what it hasn't prepared me for, I'll be able to learn. I have to trust that God will help me in my weakest moments. I have to trust that no matter what happens, my son will grow up to be his own person, free to make his own decisions, free to choose his own path in life. I have to trust that I have what it takes to be the best mother I can be. I simply have to let go... and trust.