Last night, after putting Shepherd to bed, Forrest and I took turns walking on our treadmill. (Yes, we actually use our treadmill for something other than a clothes hanger from time to time) While walking we talked about a variety of things, most importantly, body image. I was looking through old photos of us yesterday, and came across some from Labor Day 2004. I remember getting those pictures back from the store, and thinking how incredibly porky and fat I looked. Yesterday, looking at those pictures, I thought how incredibly thin and skinny I was. Amazing how our perspectives change with time.
I realize that I need to continue to lose weight, and get down to at LEAST my pre-pregnancy weight, which I was working at when I got pregnant. I've looked at all the weight charts telling me what the average for a person my height is... I've looked at the BMI factors (I'm teetering right above the mark for obesity... so DANG, I've got to lose)... and all of that is kind of frustrating to me.
I'm the kind of person who wants things now. I hate waiting. I know this is a weakness of mine, and something I'm struggling to work on. However, that said, I know that my weight has to come off slowly to stay off. Plus? I'm nursing, so I can't really diet because I need the calories to maintain nourishment for Shepherd. So, I'm doing the right thing, losing slowly. It's just so hard to look at myself in the mirror sometimes and love myself. I've confessed this to Forrest, but there's no amount of encouragement that he can offer me that makes me feel better. I know he loves me for me.. I know he loves me no matter how much I weigh. I'm just incredibly hard on myself and incredibly judgemental. I look in the mirror and see a fat woman, who hasn't a shred of beauty. Yes... yes... I know this isn't true.
But at the heart of all of this is playing this deep seeded insecurity that my son will be embarrassed by his mother. I don't want to be an embarrasement to my son. Forrest and I talked about this, and about if we'd ever been embarrassed by our parents. Then I realized that I'd never been embarrassed of my mom or my dad, despite their own struggles with weight. Yes, they talked about their weight, and their struggles, but I never once was embarrassed. This made me feel incredibly better about myself. That Shepherd would love me no matter what.
I still want to lose weight... for health reasons (hello, mr. 30.4 BMI!) and yes, for personal reasons. I would like to feel comfortable about myself no matter what... so yes, I'm working on that. So for now, I'll continue to eat healthy, drink my water, and try... try very hard... to motivate myself to walk. And hopefully, next week, I'll be down another pound or two. And the week after that... and after that... and hopefully, long term... I'll get this weight off. Because I know that I can.