Friday, May 05, 2006

The Girl in the Mirror

Last night, after putting Shepherd to bed, Forrest and I took turns walking on our treadmill. (Yes, we actually use our treadmill for something other than a clothes hanger from time to time) While walking we talked about a variety of things, most importantly, body image. I was looking through old photos of us yesterday, and came across some from Labor Day 2004. I remember getting those pictures back from the store, and thinking how incredibly porky and fat I looked. Yesterday, looking at those pictures, I thought how incredibly thin and skinny I was. Amazing how our perspectives change with time.

I realize that I need to continue to lose weight, and get down to at LEAST my pre-pregnancy weight, which I was working at when I got pregnant. I've looked at all the weight charts telling me what the average for a person my height is... I've looked at the BMI factors (I'm teetering right above the mark for obesity... so DANG, I've got to lose)... and all of that is kind of frustrating to me.

I'm the kind of person who wants things now. I hate waiting. I know this is a weakness of mine, and something I'm struggling to work on. However, that said, I know that my weight has to come off slowly to stay off. Plus? I'm nursing, so I can't really diet because I need the calories to maintain nourishment for Shepherd. So, I'm doing the right thing, losing slowly. It's just so hard to look at myself in the mirror sometimes and love myself. I've confessed this to Forrest, but there's no amount of encouragement that he can offer me that makes me feel better. I know he loves me for me.. I know he loves me no matter how much I weigh. I'm just incredibly hard on myself and incredibly judgemental. I look in the mirror and see a fat woman, who hasn't a shred of beauty. Yes... yes... I know this isn't true.

But at the heart of all of this is playing this deep seeded insecurity that my son will be embarrassed by his mother. I don't want to be an embarrasement to my son. Forrest and I talked about this, and about if we'd ever been embarrassed by our parents. Then I realized that I'd never been embarrassed of my mom or my dad, despite their own struggles with weight. Yes, they talked about their weight, and their struggles, but I never once was embarrassed. This made me feel incredibly better about myself. That Shepherd would love me no matter what.

I still want to lose weight... for health reasons (hello, mr. 30.4 BMI!) and yes, for personal reasons. I would like to feel comfortable about myself no matter what... so yes, I'm working on that. So for now, I'll continue to eat healthy, drink my water, and try... try very hard... to motivate myself to walk. And hopefully, next week, I'll be down another pound or two. And the week after that... and after that... and hopefully, long term... I'll get this weight off. Because I know that I can.


Jenni said...

Yes, you can do it! I'm at about the same BMI and HATE that "obesity" label. You can make it happen!

BTW...thanks for answering my question!

Kristin said...

Hey Corrine! Keep it up :)

Even though you're breast feeding your little man, you can still diet. If you know what your RMR (resting metabolic rate, which is the same as BMR, basal metabolic rate..this is how many calories your body burns just by being alive) You can figure out how many calories you'll need. You can get this at the sports medicine department of the local hospital, or some gyms have a "Body Gem", which is a portable, compact machine.

For breast feeding you'll need an extra 500 calories on top of your RMR. If you're working out too, you'll need an additional 150 calories.

I lost a crap load of muscle, so my RMR dropped to practically nothing (1200/day). So with breast feeding Logan & working out, I eat about 1600-1700 calories a day.

I know you're on WW, so once you know how many calories you'll need, you can do the math to match your points & go from there. Give it about 4 weeks & you'll notice a difference. Then your motivation will go through the roof!

girl from florida said...

I know exactly how you feel, I'm struggling now with weighing more than I ever have before. I have about 15-20 lbs to go to get to my pre-preg weight which I was fairly happy at.

I know weight watchers has a nursing moms plan where you get 30 points a day instead of the usual 20, so you can lose the weight slowly and very healthy!

Autumn's Mom said...

My friend and I talk about this a lot. I'm on weight watchers. It's working. My friend and I talk about breaking old habits, like looking in the mirror and just seeing the fat. Practice looking in the mirror and telling yourself your beautiful. Every day. Pick a feature and admire it. It sounds so corny, but it helps :) Keep up the great job. And don't worry about Shepherd, boys love their mommies :D

Bonnie B said...

After I had my first daughter, I took all the mirrors out of the house. i couldn't stand to look at myself. I was disgusted and practically refused to leave the house-- this was seven years ago.
I've lost and regained my weight three times ( I have three daughters) and relosing it only gets harder, but you CAN do it.
So on that note, I'm starting my diet tomorrow. Thanks for the inspiration.

Lizzy said...

I totally understand how you feel, and I'm struggling with the same.
On top of it all, I have a boo gall bladder, so I must follow a strict low- to no-fat diet. Even with this restriction, I can't seem to lose the extra weight. Feh.
Even though I know that my husband and baby love me for me, I can't quite do it myself.

Suzanne said...

I'm right there with you Corinne! I need to lose 15 lbs to be at my pre-baby weight. I've been working out, but not changed much else & I have to change..

I struggle with my image too. It's tough! Hang in there - looks like there's a lot of us in the same boat!

Liza said...

I'm there with you too!

During the first 6 weeks or so after Noah was born, the weight just dropped away. But in the 6 weeks since then, NADA. In fact, I gained back 2 lbs. :(