Friday, October 21, 2005
If you've dug much through my archives you can sense that my husband and I are Christians. However, what you don't know is how incredibly personal faith is to me (and my husband, but for now I speak for myself) and how incredibly torn I feel between two worlds. Between who I am as a person of faith, and who the world assumes me to be as a person of faith. There are two camps that I wrestle with constantly... The conservative right, and the liberal left. Because of my beliefs on faith and God, with my liberal friends, it's assumed that I'm a die-hard Bush supporter, that I support the death penalty, I'm pro-choice, I'm a homophob, that I probably read my Bible everyday, know every scripture out there, never curse, and most certainly never, ever drink. Granted, my close friends know this not to be true. I genuinely despise George Bush because of what he's done to the Christian church. I despise him just as I despise Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and increasingly more and more, James Dobson. I wish to have nothing to do with the Moral Majority, and in my opinion, they are neither Moral nor are they in the majority. It would seem that way from the media representation that they get. I enjoy a good drink and have been pining for a Mai Tai for the last month... and cannot wait to have my first drink post-partum. As far as the other issues, I only delve into them with close friends because I'm often afraid I'll be misunderstood when trying to explain my take on the issues... but in sum, I definately don't believe that the world is so black and white to even begin to "know" the answer to such tough issues as gay marriage, abortion, etc... all I know is what's in my heart... and that I have a special place in my heart for those who are cast out of christian churches for their "sins". I was always taught as a child that God is a God of Love... and the most infuriating thing to me is that I don't see any love coming out of most "christian" churches or leaders.
As far as the flip side of the coin, I feel that my Christian friends see me as somewhat of a heretic... well, not really that harsh, but I've always been that "liberal, christian" friend in most of those circles. It's frustrating because they constantly sing the praises of the Republican Powerhouse, of the Moral Majority, and generally are very close-minded when it comes to those gray areas. I'm always the one they pray for (or at least I have been the one they pray for), the one they fear is backsliding into the flames of hell, and the one who always has trouble holding my tongue.
Thankfully, God has blessed me with a husband who is both understanding and very much like me in these areas. It's embarrasing to us when my grandfather spouts off crap about gays, teenagers these days, and how Katrina happened because the people of New Orleans were vile, sinful people. There are times when I want to scream at the top of my lungs that his mind is poisoned by the 700 club and Fox News...But you know what? As much as it kills me sometimes, I have to love people like that. Because if I truely believe that God loves everyone... that includes them.
I guess the reason for all of this is I feel so trapped. So often I don't love those who need love. I'm judemental, hateful, pessemistic, cynical, and downright angry sometimes. And maybe this post is just me letting it go. It's me saying I'm sorry to all of those people I've judged. It's me saying I will try harder to love you to all the people I haven't loved. And it's me crying out to God for some understanding in this crazy world where nothing is black and white... and everything is gray. And I know.... I know... that He hears me, and holds me... he doesn't change things to make my life easier... but he helps me through. If only I'm honest and transparent with myself, with others, and with Him.