Friday, February 03, 2006

My War with Toilet Paper

Yes... toilet paper. Recently, while grocery shopping, I purchased a different brand of toilet paper... a brand I swore I'd never buy because I absolutely LOATHED the commercials (Cha-cha-cha-Charmin!) Seriously? Everytime I see this commercial, it reminds me of that song you used to sing when you were in 4th grade, you know the one... "When you're sliding into first and you feel something burst, Diahreah... Diareah... cha cha cha" At least that's how we sang it or something. Anyways... It was on sale. We were strapped for cash, and I did something I swore I'd never do. I switched toilet paper. Normally, I'm fiercely loyal to Cottonelle toilet paper. I have refused to purchase cheaper brands because I am happy with Cottonelle, and refuse to use cheap toilet paper. However, this time, I figured, why not? It's cheaper, and hey... we need toilet paper.

And the world as I knew it STOPPED. TURNING.

Forrest hates the new toilet paper. I hate the new toilet paper. It runs out WAY too fast, and a week later? I'm already halfway through the package. A package of Cottonelle lasted me at least a month if not more! So, there is officially a "toilet-paper situation" in our house. We have to use this stuff up, and at the rate we're going that won't be long. But everytime the toilet flushes, out walks one of us uttering a string of profanities because the new stuff? Is terrible.

Why do I care so much about toilet paper, you may ask? It probably started in college when I lived on campus for 2 years, and the dorm bathrooms carried single-ply toilet paper that you had to karate chop to tear off a piece. Then, I lived with roomates for 2 years, who didn't understand that Dollar Store toilet paper is almost worse than dorm room toilet paper. We'd alternate buying toilet paper... and I'd always buy Cottonelle. Imagine my horror to discover that instead of replacing the TP with normal brands, it was replaced with DOLLAR STORE BRANDS!!!!!!!!!!

Then, I think the icing on the cake was when, after marrying Forrest, and after one particular visit that his father paid us, we discovered that our toilet paper in the guest bathroom had been replaced with cheap hotel toilet paper. Yes, you read that right. My father-in-law, the traveling salesman, stays in a lot of hotels. Each time he leaves, he cleans them out of toilet paper. Now... to me this is stealing. Yes, you pay for the room, but the toilet paper? Isn't just there for grabs. Secondly, he actually uses the stuff at his house, or worse? Hoists it off on us to use at ours. I cannot tell you how much I hate this. I know he means well (he's trying to save us money), but my lovely behind whimpers whenever it sees the hotel brand toilet paper.

So now, we've just got to use up the rest of our TP before I can justify buying a whole new pack of my Cottonelle. Any creative suggestions for the use of the TP? One idea I had was to TP Chris and Beth's house, but I realized, I have no idea where they live. Plus, I'd like to make friends in NoVa, not ostrasize them. Maybe I can get them to join in with me and Forrest and TP the White House.... now THAT would be fun! Any other ideas????


Isabel said...

You poor lady (and your father in law...huh?!)

My husband likes the cheap TP because he uses it to blow his nose and doesn't want it to leave any cotton behind on his face. I am not sure why it can't just use tissue to blow his nose like the rest of the world.

(I love to TP houses...I'm in!)

Rude Cactus said...

That commercial? Annoys the hell out of me. And I'm all for TPing the White House. That would rock.

Autumn's Mom said...

I so can relate to this. BUT I have to say, I'm a Charmin girl. I forgive them their dumb commercials. It's very important not only that the TP be right, but also that it be placed on the roll CORRECTLY. Face down pulling down from the top. How can you not like that you can get GIGANTIC rolls of TP with Charmin? Those rolls are about the size of my bathroom. I could go on...BUTT hahaha You could TP my house, I'd remove it and USE IT. ok. TMI right?

Avorie said...

Oh you don't even want to know how many rolls of toilet paper we use in a week. It's about 6! In one week! And a majority of that would be my fault.