Wednesday, August 17, 2005


I had a weird dream last night. Actually, it wasn't that weird, it just showed me how much time I spend reading blogs. In my dream, I got a chance to meet one of the mommy bloggers that I read every day. Now, I could tell you who, but for sheer embarrasment that I actually dreamed about a blogger, I'm going to refrain. Anyways, in my dream I met her, and she actually liked me! We became really close friends, which was weird, because I've always been one of those girls who's friends with everyone but the super popular people. It's safe to say this blogger is super popular, and probably wouldn't be friends with me in real life. But it's my dream, and she was my best friend, and me and my husband did lots of stuff with her and her husband. It seems wonderful, but why did I wake up anxious? Once I woke up, I laid there thinking about the dream, and realized what it really was about.
I've had my share of close friends over the years, but several of those friendships ended on a rather nasty note. So nasty, that it's left me with only one or two close friends from college, and even those friendships are fading. So, the last year in Raleigh has been hard. I can honestly say that I only had 2 good friends here. My husband, and my brother. Meaning, I have no good girlfriends. I firmly believe that every woman needs good girlfriends. Guys make great friends, and some of my best friends have been guys, but there is nothing like the empathy and companionship of another woman. However... I'm always scared of what other women think of me. We women can be brutal. We judge one another. We backstab one another. And generally, it's really hard to break through that, and get to a place where you trust one another fully. I know plenty of girls that you could call my "friends", but the reality is... we never get past the superficial. The "friends" I do have are extremely beautiful, extremely trendy, and extremely popular. My insecurities about myself lead to this sort of paranoia that these friends are just being nice to me. It's this insecurity that prevents me from opening up and trusting. (or perhaps the jealousy) Perhaps it's because those friends that did hurt me were popular, pretty, and all of the guys I had crushes on, ended up dating my friends instead. Thankfully, I now have a wonderful husband who loves me for who I am, and I don't have to worry about that. But somewhere, deep inside, I'm still afraid. I'm afraid of the popular girl. I want to be accepted. As much as I preach individuality, and as much as I pretend to be okay with who I am... inside I'm dying to be liked by the beautiful people. Because in my sick, twisted head, somehow, that will make me more like them.
Really, why can't I just learn to love myself? Why can't I be happy with who I am? Is it just me that struggles with this, or can you relate?


Forrest said...

I can definitely relate. I think the sad thing about the way humans are is that we're never happy with ourselves. There's always something that we think we can do better. I think it has something to do with the fact that we are really broken people at heart and are constantly trying to find something with which to validate ourselves with.

At risk of going off the deep-end here, I'm reading an awesome book by Donald Miller called "Searching for God Knows What." In it, he wonders what would happen if an alien came down from another planet (he's kind of a crazy guy) and talked about how he saw humans. He says that the alien would probably say "the thing that defines human personalities is that they are constantly comparing themselves to one another." Look at sports, for example. Or politics. Or in our jobs. Or how we look. Miller says "I know without a doubt, I am a person who is wired so that something outside myself tells me who I am," or in this case, how good I am. And he talks about how silly this would seem to the alien.

Anyway, Corinne's post just reminded me of that quote. Definitely read the book, though. It's incredible.

Reesh said...

I don't know, maybe you just haven't met the RIGHT girlfriends and they're all waiting for you in Washington. I have never been known as "the popular" girl, but I have a lot of really great girlfriends and I have never felt that anyone was judging me nor have I felt it neccessary to judge any of them. I was thinking, did you have brother's or sister's growing up? I have 2 sisters and we are really close, maybe that has something to do with it. I sincerly hope you will know the friendship of a really close girlfriend, because everyone deserves that. Maybe join a prenatal yoga class when you arrive in your new town and then you can meet some women who are at the same stage in life as you...